I’m steamrolled. And here’s a confession.

Yesterday I shot a sweet backyard wedding in the Tri-Cities and today I feel like I’ve been steamrolled. I haven’t felt like this after a wedding in a long time, so I’m feeling kind of perturbed by it. Maybe it was because it was my first really hot wedding of the year? And maybe wearing the worst shoes ever for a long day of shooting had something to do with it? I’m sure those to things have a lot to do with it. I don’t regret the shoes one bit because frankly they were the cutest thing about me yesterday. I’m in the midst of growing out a super short pixie cut (read: I’ve got an uber-fugly head at the moment) and that coupled with the fact that hot, summer weddings make me red, puffy, and sweaty, well, I feel a cute pair of shoes is an absolute must. Sore feet be damned.

I’m almost halfway through the season. It’s been a good one so far! My clients this year have all been really sweet, fun, and cool. Yesterday’s backyard wedding full of some seriously great people. Here’s a shot of the bride walking down the aisle. I can’t see other people cry without tearing up myself. I’m such a softie.

This shot is pure photojournalism, which happens to be my favorite part of shooting weddings.  Most of my weddings are largely comprised of photojournalism, with some portrait work wiggled in during the busyness of the day. In what I shoot at any given wedding, there are many tricky components that I have to work with, including but not limited to lighting, setting/backgrounds, emotions, time constraints, organization (or lack thereof), family dynamics, and so on.

Within this set of dynamics, I have to deliver. But what am I delivering? What’s going to make a couple happy? Oftentimes the bride and groom have a vision for their images, a vision that doesn’t always vibe with what the family wants. There are people who want traditional shots, people who want an extensive set of artistic portraits, and people who want straight up photojournalism. I find I’m often navigating a mixed and murky set of expectations when two families come together and this creates an intense fear in me.

So that’s my confession. I’m fear driven.

I’ve come to realize earlier this year that it’s my biggest downfall in what I do. It’s what keeps me from going absolutely gung-ho and unleashing the holy mother of all that’s creative in me at each wedding. It’s what’s keeping me from feeling truly confident in myself as an artist.

I’ve got bases to cover and I’ve made sure that each of those are taken care of. That’s crucial. I can’t not capture the family formals because I have an inflated, artistic ego that needs tending to. If that were the case, I wouldn’t be shooting weddings.

But what I want to do is get over the fear. Accept that perhaps I’m not going to make everyone happy. Keep the list of obligatory shots short and sweet.  And then go to each wedding and pull from within the most creativity and ingenuity I can muster…the creativity that gets lost when I’m preoccupied making sure that I get a corny shot of the hands because Aunt Dottie came up to me right after the ceremony and told me that I just have to get that shot. Or when I’m preoccupied worrying that an idea I have for a shot might be too out there to even bother proposing to a couple. Or when I’m too scared to get up in the grill of guest with my 35mm lens to capture a perfect moment of humanity. Or when I’m too afraid to bring more of myself to this blog (and my brand) for fear of putting too much of myself out there for people to see (and judge).

This fear that fills me up can be paralyzing and this year I’m working on tackling it. Call it a business goal if you will, but it really goes deeper than that. I feel in my deepest core that once I’ve got that fear safely stowed away that I’m going to tap into a confidence in myself that I haven’t quite realized. One part of this is being more present in this space and I feel like getting this off my chest is a good start.

Thanks for reading.